Triumph and Pain...when I don't understand...

Tonight I am reminded of Caedmon's Call lyrics, "This world has nothing for me and this world is everything, all that I could want and nothing that I need". The last couple of months I have had two friends develop cancer, both went under crazy amounts of radiation and chemo, and both had two very different results. My one friend after undergoing a hardcore cancer recipe has been declared cancer free. However, cancer has assaulted my other friends body. His wife has had to tell his children that their daddy is dying and that now it's about making daddy comfortable.

Complete opposite outcomes. I feel both triumph and udder sadness at the same time.  I felt this deep stirring of emotions when the twins were born. A friend of ours had a son and he only lived a few hours. I was excited at the birth of our twins, but my heart wept and bleed for this mother who lost her baby. I cried out to the Lord in the unfairness of giving me twins and taking her one. Could He not have given us each one baby and called it good? My heart was torn.

As I mull over these two opposite reactions, as I mull over the pain in both situations, I know that God works for good even in our pain. I have found that it is in my agony and deep grief, that if I let God hold me, if I allow myself to get mad at God, if I allow myself to feel the pain and unfairness. It is in this place that God meets me, when he comes he brings peace. He does not always give me clarity, he doesn't always give me a reason, but he does show himself to me. He does show me sunshine in the darkness of my pain. He does not let me sink, he carries me, and lets me cry.

There is joy in miracles and tears in goodbyes. I don't really understand either, but I do know my God has proven himself to me over and over. I pray that when the road is dark and I don't understand, I pray God will pick me up and carry me.

Please pray for my friend who's family is getting ready to say goodbye to him. Lord, bring them your peace, bring them the strength that only you can give.

It's not enough to want our nation to change! It is the people that must change!

I watch our nation fall apart, I watch newscasts of government shut downs. I see republican, democrats, and everyone in between having a tantrum. I see the moral scales tilting, I see a nation I grew up to love falling apart. My Grandpa knowing that he would be drafted, entered the army willingly during WWII, serving with a medical unit on Christmas Island, experiencing horrific, horrible things my mind doesn't even want to consider experiencing. During the Vietnam era my dad too knowing the inevitable would come enlisted before he got drafted and joined the Navy.  I thank the Lord everyday that the war ended before my dad God to the shores of the war, the war ended on his way to the battle fields. Their sacrifice teaches me that this country is a country worth fighting for, the freedom's it offers are worth fighting for.

I see a nation who is tolerant of  affairs in marriage, a nation were marriages both in Christian homes and secular fall apart. I see a nation in which it is tolerant to be a homosexual, but Christians are being shunned and forced out of business. Someone, please tell me, how that is tolerant? It is merely taking an eye for an eye, it is giving hatred in return.

To turn our faces away from the Lord is to slap our creator in the face. Sure he's strong enough to withstand the blow, but our hearts, our hearts that need to be connected to the Saviour, our souls that hunger and thirst for God, are not strong enough. We cannot cut ourselves off from the maker and creator. I am not strong enough. Any time you take God out of the drivers seat and place a human in His place, it can only lead to ruin and a destructive crash!

Our nation does not need to change, what needs to change is the hearts of the people in our nation. A house is not made a home until a family makes it a home.  America is no longer America, because it's people are choosing hatred and selfishness. The people in our nation are choosing to love themselves, they are demanding their way or no way, and they will stop at nothing to accomplish it. Is it worth it to gain a right and yet loose a nation? We have lost a love for our fellow countrymen. When the hearts of our nation change, then our nation will change. Our nation needs to change, our nation needs to not be what it once was. It needs to grow and emerge the amazing butterfly of a nation that only God alone can make it to be. Do I want the same nation as before, no, but I do want a nation were I can home school my kids without fear of loosing them. I want to live in a nation were I am not afraid of saying I love God with all my heart and all my soul and all my strength, with out the rest of the nation thinking I hate them and wish them the worse. That's not it at all! I want to live in a nation were I can learn from those around me, regardless of what their sexual orientation is, religious beliefs or skin color! I know my God is big enough to handle that and he is able to guide me through it.

What I want is for others to find the amazing peace and joy I have come to have through Jesus. I don't want to force you to have it, God didn't force me and I won't force you. But, I do want to be allowed to love the God who loves me. I do want to be allowed to do it, without you being offended. It is between you and God what you choose, but let me do it. I am not weak for loving my God, I am made strong because I am weak!

What our nation needs is healing! We need to stand in front of each other and grieve with each other. We need to grieve the lose of our country. We need to seek each others forgiveness. We need to look beyond all the crap and see each other for who we are. Sinners, each one of us, in need of forgiveness and love from each other and from God.

The hope of our nation rests in it's people, the hope of a nation rests in a nation turning from their selfishness and acknowledging others thoughts, feelings, and needs above their own. Will you be the healing change or will you be the driving force that pushes us further apart. We have a choice America! We have a choice! What will you choose to do?

As for me, I choose peace! I choose to love, I choose to love! I pray that when I don't feel compassionate God will rain it down on me. My God, My God do not turn your eyes from our nation. Send your healing, send your love, send your peace!

When Depression Creeps In...

There are times depression comes roaring into my heart and mind like a lion on the hunt and other times it comes in small waves that build into one big title wave. Both are destructive, both can at times interfere with my ability to function on a day to day basis. There are days I wake up and it seems the lion has run me over and mauled me, sadness and self doubt drip into the wounds and puss and gangrene try to take hold. 

Whether the waves have over taken me or the lion is feasting on me, both separate me from the love of God, both separate me from the love of fellow believers. Depression tells me that I am not wanted, I am rejected, I'm a failure. Along with these thoughts Satan throws in loosing a library book, a frustrated husband, a defiant kid. Because if he can "prove" it, then it must be so. This makes the depression even worse and I slip slowly but surely deeper into the hell of my mind. It literally feels like hell and it may be a taste of hell, because I cut myself off from the safety and security of the Abba Father, in my mind I turn the light switch off and throw all the night lights in the closet. Depression festers better in the dark.

This deep dark depression does not take hold as often as it did in the past. There use to be times I would not, could not, emerge from the dark for a couple of weeks. I would journal, I would write poetry trying to come out of my misery. It was one of the darkest,  most horrible times in my life. The weight of the world, the weight of the lies in my head, and the deep, deep sadness that went along with it felt like death it's self.

The amazing thing with in this misery, was that often times I didn't feel alone, in these times while emotional death was at my doorstep, the Holy Spirit was there battling for me. I did not go through these mental battles alone. God came looking for me, he would find me, care for me, and walk me through the darkness into the light holding my hand. Once I emerged from the darkness, he would leave me in the ever presence of the Holy Spirit. My God watched as his precious daughter struggled, the Abba, the one who cares more for me than the sparrow, would come and care for me. In these times my Abba, taught me that he cares me. 

Now, when I can feel myself falling into the darkness, when I can sense waves of depression rolling in, I no longer let the waves consume me. I run for the light, I run for my trusted friends in Jesus, I run and ask for prayer. Because, when I voice my depression to the Savior, when I allow my friends to surround me in prayer, light comes into the darkness and the darkness flees. When I stay isolated I set myself up for attack, I stand alone, I am vulnerable for deeper attack.  So, I stand in the light, I stand in the sunshine of God's love, I stand in the love of my Saviour. 

My prayer for you, my reader, is that God would bless you with friends that will shine the light in the dark places of your life. Friends, who will love you, share truth with you, and love you through life's struggles. There is nothing sweeter than knowing that at any time you are surrounded with love and encouragement. I pray you will cry out to the Lord and then with confidence watch him come to the rescue.

Home...

I have always felt a little bit of a weirdo through my whole life. I tend to do things, say things, and live my life in the way I believe God wants me to. If you are a believer you know that often times this means doing things that seem weird to the people on the outside. What God wants me to say and do may not be compared with Noah building an ark on the top of a mountain in the middle of a dessert proclaiming that God will flood the earth, I do often do march to the drum of a different beat. For the most part I don't mind and I actually enjoy being different, but I haven't always enjoyed it.

In fact I would say most of my growing up, all through school, I did not like being different. I wanted to do what all the other kids were doing. For one, it was just plan ole cool, for another, if I went along with the other kids I wasn't going to be rejected, made fun of, or something far worst than my young brain could come up with. I was shy in school or so I appeared, but I wasn't shy I was insecure. Insecurity can be completely different than shy, shyness can come from insecurity and insecurity can appear shy. I know it sounds confusing but you may just have to take my word for it. Middle school, junior high, and high school I wanted nothing more than to be invisible and blend in with my surroundings. If I was quiet, if I stayed hidden in my books and in my world I would be safe. I struggled a lot in high school with depression, I would hide in my room for a week or two. How my mom let this happen while I was in school I have no idea, but she seemed to understand it, and soon I would emerge and be ready to attempt life outside my room again.

Who I was as a child and all through school is not even close to who I am now as an adult. Graduating high school could not come fast enough for me. To me it was a torture chamber, a place I was smothered and not allowed to flourish. I was put in a box and told I had only this much time to learn this amount of stuff. I walked across the graduation platform and never looked back.

I entered college and I flourished, I had more friends than ever, I was a leader, I wasn't afraid to lead. All of a sudden I had been given a pass to emerge into the person I knew I was, but was too insecure, already labeled and stamped with how others viewed me. After a couple years of college, I decided college was not for me and sought out camping ministry. I found a camp named Camp Redcloud and feel in love with the ministry, the work, the directors, and the mountains. Finding Camp Redcloud would mold me and shape me into the wife and mommy God knew I would become. Redcloud would also give me the leadership training, bible training, and love poured into me so that I could then go and pour into another persons life. Camp would last almost seven wonderful, amazing, life changing years!

I got Married to my best friend Mark, we moved to Minnesota, had three kids, and LOTS and LOTS of struggles. Being married to a best friend is both amazing and painful at the same time. Because when they hurt you, weather they meant to or not it hurts twice as much because you love them so very much. Mark and I both as sinners brought suitcase upon suitcase of hurt and life experiences. I give God all the glory, honor, and praise, because it is nothing but the grace of God that Mark and I are still together. Nothing but the grace of God that he pulled us out of the miry clay and is using us to his glory. We still
have roots to pull up, we both have things to work on, but to God be the glory we are being set free to love God deeper and love each other deeper. It takes work, it takes setting down my pride for the good of Mark, even if I don't see any, it's praying and asking to see it. It takes forgiveness, asking God for large portions of it because I am usually unable to do it myself. It takes willingness and the will to want to, even if you don't want to, it takes asking the Lord to give you the want to.

The point to this novel of a post is that my whole life I have been looking for a home. I have been looking for a place to belong. There have been times I haven't even felt that I belonged to my family. I have been looking for acceptance and love and I have been disappointed time and time again. But, what I have been looking for is not rooted in what others can give me. It is rooted in what God alone can give me. I am still chewing on this and God is still working in my life over and over again in this area, but it's true. There is nothing anyone can give you, that will replace what you need to go get from the Abba Father!

Ever since I left Redcloud I have been hungry to find the same life giving abiding relationships that I found at Redcloud. After seven years of farming my marriage, continuing to plow, plant, and weed our marriage. God, I believe has brought about to Mark and I amazing friendships. He has brought amazing pastors into our lives, he has healed my relationship with my family, he is continuing even now to bring great friends into our lives. God is even now returning what the locust had taken away and eaten.

For the first time in my 33, almost 34 years of life, I can honestly say, I have come home!

The things I say to my kids matter...

I have three favorite books; The Bible, written by God who chose specific men to pen it, The little Britches series, written by Ralph Moody, and The hiding place by Corrie Ten Boom. All three of these books have a theme within them that has struck me and stuck with me.

These are books that I can read over and over because I take something new away every time. One of the themes I get from all three books is that of a Father giving life saving, life giving answers to their children that will be of the utmost importance in their lives. The Bible, written by God through mere mortal men, is a story of God working through these men's lives. It's about a Father, being willing to give up his son, to save not only the son he's sacrificing but to offer freedom to the rest of His children. He offers because to force would not really be love. The heavenly father is not a shallow kind of God, he wants us to be willing to give Him our all. But, part of the love of God is to give us the Bible, giving him a way to talk with His children. The love of a Father mentoring and shepherding his children.

The Little Britches books is about a small boy named Ralph who moves from the big city to Podunk Colorado, with literally no modern conveniences. Yet, to Ralph, the adventure has just begun. Ralph works along his father to make their new rundown home, a home. His father teaches him carpentry skill, instill confidence in Ralph, he instills character and reputation. Everything Mr. Moody was teaching Ralph would be vital, as a young boy of 9 or 10 Ralph looses his father, and becomes the man of the family.

The Hiding Place written by Corrie Ten Boom is about a woman who lived in Poland during the time of the Nazi's rule during WWII. Corrie gives us a picture of what her life w,as like as a girl being brought up by a Father who is a watchmaker and a mother who is a homemaker. She talks of love lost, facing death at home and in the concentration camp. The reason she tells us of her childhood is because it allows her to tell us of the wisdom her father was able to instill in her. His words of wisdom calmed a frighten child and gave her the ability to see God's hand at work, even in the concentration camps.

The impression all three books have left on me was to get on my knees before my Heavenly Father asking him to give me the right words at the right times. This means that my reaction to any given situation could mean the difference between instilling a nugget in my children's heart and minds that will stay with them until they die. Nuggets that will get them through the toughest situations, nuggets that allow them to watch and experience God's goodness, faithfulness, peace, and joy. When my kids see God live in action, they will begin to trust him and know his voice. This trust in their Heavenly Father will get them through the darkest days they face on this earth. Dark days that God almighty can turn into joy and peace. With God in their lives, there is no dark place. God will always shine a flashlight or light a candle to remind them that they are in His capable hands. There is no safer or greater place than in our Abba's hands!

Learning to work hard...

This afternoon I went to sweep the acorns building up on our back steps. I grabbed a rake, a shop broom, and a shovel. Naomi, then went to get her rake and shovel and started to help me. This began a domino affect, Titus and Madeline went and got their rakes and shovels. What began as an attempt to make our back steps safer, became something else entirely.

Taking care of our back steps lead to raking in front of our grill so I wouldn't roll around while grilling supper. Which lead to raking around our fire pit so we could safely walk around it with out falling in it. The whole time I was working all three kids were right beside me raking, shoveling, and dumping acorns into five gallon buckets, and then dumping the bucket of acorns in a garbage bag. The whole time the kids stuck beside me, watching me, and copying me. They were proud of themselves for helping me to accomplish the task set before us. Without knowing it each of them were doing a great job of filling my bucket, both literally and physically.

When the bags of acorns were put away and all tools put away, each kiddo got to pick two pieces of candy as a reward. They did not have to help me, but they chose to, that I would love to reward!

They learned so much more than raking, they learned to stick with a job with a joyful attitude. They learned that you can have fun while working and that at times you will be rewarded for hard work. They learned that team work gets jobs done faster. Now, to get the rest of the backyard raked and bagged this week! I'm going to need more candy. ;)

My right hand little lady...

Maddie's face says very well how the first few months of
life went with the twins.

I have said it once and I will probably continue to say it for the rest of her life, I have no idea how I would do twins without Maddie!  I am so thankful God sent me Maddie before he sent me twins! Naomi is potty trained in part because Maddie took her to the bathroom half the time. Today the twins had their three year old check ups. While I went with Titus to get his eyes checked, Maddie went with Naomi to get her hearing checked. Then we switched, I stayed with Titus for his hearing checked and Maddie went with Naomi to get her eyes checked. Naomi happily followed Maddie and let her help her.  She often helps Naomi get dressed and shoes put on while I'm helping Titus with his.

Big sister hold Titus for the first time.

Maddie is a leader in among our kiddo's, although interestingly enough, she is not a leader by nature. It is interesting to watch the dynamics in my children's birth order. Although Maddie is not a natural leader, God has put her in a position in which she leads everyday. The twins watch Maddie's actions and words like a hawk. Maddie imitates Mark and I, the twins imitate Maddie. It's an interesting umbrella affect. Naomi, is my leader, yet God has placed her in the middle were without knowing it she is learning to be a follower. Daily she is learning to follow, listen, and take orders from her older sister. Titus is a leader simply because people enjoy being around him. He's smiley and bubbly, he's genuinely concerned for others, he is empathetic, and funny. Titus is a hard work content to work along side those he's working with, he's quick to complement but is also tender when he corrects someone. Titus tries to befriend everyone. Titus is the kind of guy you want on your time.

Sweet rewards of being the big sister!

But, back to Maddie, I am thankful that God put her in the role in our house that he has. With great responsibility comes great reward. We are working with Maddie with something called initiative. In our house our kids do not get an allowance. We do not think we should pay our kids for something that needs to be done simply to live and be a part of a family. However, we will pay and reward initiative. We have explained to our kids that initiative is "seeing something that needs to be done and doing it without being told or expecting a reward". But, when I see Maddie helping Naomi or Titus without being told, dusting when she notices it needs to be done, picking up toys without being asked. Going above and beyond is a life skill, a skill that will set Maddie apart when she goes into the work place and begins to work for a living.

3 years old, Maddie was already
occupying the twins for me!

I am in awe of the young lady Maddie is becoming. She is tender hearted, often gives up her own way for the benefit of another, she often shows initiative, she loves God and is learning more and more how to have a relationship with Jesus her Savior.

Thank you Maddie for making this mommies job so much easier! I love you so much!!