Finding out we were having twins was shocking to say the least. To find out they were a boy and girl were awesome! Mark would finally have his buddy. To have my water break at 33 wks. while early was not unexpected for as low as they were sitting and as uncomfortable as I had gotten. They say that when you start to get your crabbiest is when you'll go into labor. I don't know if that is true but I certainly think it's true for myself anyways.
Now we find ourselves with one baby discharged and one working on it. We are excited don't get me wrong, but if we thought having two babies in the hospital is hard, having one at home and one at the hospital is harder. Harder because one has to stay with Titus while the other one makes the trek alone to the hospital. Mark rolls with the punches and is laid back about it all. Me, I like someone to hold my hand through things like this. Towns any bigger than Albert Lea freak me out. You give me a four lane highway and I gladly give the wheel over to Mark. The thought of down towns with buildings high enough I could say hello to God from the roof intimadate me. So here I am in the midst of down town Rochester. Not huge mind you, but it's certainly no Albert Lea where the biggest traffic jam is the fourth of July. Yet the thought of staying behind with Titus freaks me out because again I need someone to hold my hand and tell me yes he's crying but you're doing great and he's fine. What a wuss I am turning out to be.
On top of it my phobia of not being able to get my babies to stop crying is kicking in high gear. My brain some how remembers walking the floor with Maddie and her being inconsoleable. So now I not only have one baby, but two babies to try and calm my brain about. Inside I am more than happy when Mark feeds Titus. I am afraid of doing anything with him. Do all moms feel this way or is it just me? It's hard on Mark because he doesn't understand the crazy mixed up emotions. It's hard for me because I don't understand them and while he is good about letting me cry, I don't know how to explain to him the craziness going on in my mind and coursing through my body.
The night time is the roughest. When my defenses are tired, my wires are fussed and used up. Yet what do I have to do but to help my babies through the night. I am praying and working through my phobia of not getting enough sleep. Afraid of getting so tired I can't function, think rational, etc.
Being home will be fabulous. But I also have to stop and wonder how overwhelmed I am going to feel. How things will work out. Breath Robin, take it one day, one moment, one hour at a time. Breath, Breath, Breath! Slow the horse down and actually hitch it to the wagon before you freak out. Let's calm the brain down and think this through. Claiming God's truths, clinging to the reality of the moment, asking God for calmness, direction, and clarity. Thanking him for allowing Mark to be at my side! Praise the Lord for Mark being here!
I'm sure there will be more posts of my crazy brain to come!
I totally konw how you feel on the freaking out at night. It was almost as if I had a demon possession as soon as the sun set. I am still somewhat afraid of the night. It's weird. But the thougth of getting up at night with the kids freaked me out even more. No idea why. But I do know that I got through it, and I KNOW you will to! It'll be hard sometimes, but keep plowing ahead Beanie. I so wish I was there to help some nights. I'll be praying for you, esp at night.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up about feeling insecure. It's totally normal. This is a lot of new stuff to deal with. Anyone would feel that way.
Love you!! Can't wait to meet your precious babies. *hugs*