Telling it all to my ALL!!!

The Lord is teaching me what it means to truly honestly give everything over to him. Telling him I'm annoyed, telling him I'm bitter, telling him I'm lonely. Sharing with him my excitement, rejoicing because I know any blessing has come from Him. I am truly learning to lean on the everlasting. Knowing he has never once given my care over to another. He allows his angels to guard me but that's like asking someone to babysit your kids so you can clean your house. Even though someones eye is on your kids your ears are still open. You still have a say, the say over what happens with your kids. Same with God. He lets his angels show concern over us, watch us, but HE has the final say. There is nothing outside of His control that he is ready to intercede on.

I am finding that dialouging with the Lord telling him is helping me hold every thought captive. I struggle a lot with being angry because I feel I am having to do my kids on my own. They are my kids and my responsibility. But I am taking my frustrations, my bitterness, and anger and bringing them to the feet of Jesus. Every time it comes up I go right to the throne! Tell all of it to him and my thoughts are taken captive, I remind myself (the holy spirit reminds me) what the truth of the matter really is, and continue. Often having to repeat these steps every second of everyday. But that's the beauty of Jesus He already knows this is something I need to do all day everyday. Allowing me to be closer to righteousness!

understanding

The beauty of God's word is that it holds answers for every question I have. Maybe not billboard size, but if God wants me to understand something or wants to teach me something it is there for me in his word! This is true of my time in the word lately.

I shared early I struggle with jealousy. I struggle being joyful with someone else. A true struggle. I am also digging into what it means to love when we are all imperfect. This means we are going to need to confront sin at times in one anothers lives. If you are not use to this than it's quite a sting to the system. If you are use to it, than it is still quite a sting to the system. I am doing a Beth Moore bible study and in it was scripture leading us to the place were we can complain and bring our complaints. We can bring our complaints to our friend Jesus! I had not thought of this for some reason. I have been wondering, if I am in the middle of trying to having a good attitude, so as to glorify the Lord. What do I do with my feelings, I know feelings are just that feelings, I know they are not truth. Yet as much as I want to wish them away they don't poof disappear. My attitude doesn't poof change and make me like my twins more. BUT...I can talk with Jesus! I can tell him all my griefs. When I'm heavy laden I can take it to him in prayer! DUH!!! I can complain to Jesus. I can tell him my frustrations, I can tell him what I hate. In the confessing to him my heart changes. Something gets released to him when I reveal to him my ugliness, my thoughts I want no one else to hear or even imagine I'm thinking! My frustrations, my bad attitude I can't change has somewhere to go! There is a garbage dump that returns joy and gladness for your nasty slimy ugly self! Yet it's the most beautiful garbage drop off site I've ever seen! There is no murkiness, the baggage and slim dissapear. His lake were he throws my burdens and sins must be VERY VERY deep!!!!

Yes Jesus knows my every weakness, when I'm heavy laden, and cannot bear another minute. When my twins are drawing every ounce of patience I have, when Maddie has peed on the floor for the 10th time during potty training, when I don't want to jump with joy at anothers blessing...take it to the Lord in prayer!!! He loves me! He LOVES me! A foul disgusting mess and he LOVES me!!!!

Thank you Jesus!

God Hugs

Today has been a God hug day. The kind of day where you know someone prayed for you because it started rough and turned out smooth. Well so far it's going smooth I realize any second could turn into craziness. But I also know so far it's been ok. The twins took a great afternoon nap which allowed me to get ALL the laundry done! To spend some time with Maddie. We have been hiding in my room while the twins nap. They nap longer with no noise and Maddie thinks it's awesome to have mommy and Maddie time in our room. Works out for both of us. We discovered some games on our computer that Maddie thinks is awesome and thus has allowed for some fun one on one time with her. On top of getting laundry done I also got the carpet vaccumed. Not the kind were you move everything on the floor to get it efficent but enough so that there are not smashed crackers on the floor anymore. The nasty hair, lint, nastiness on my carpet is gone. Perhaps I will even try to tackle the bathroom today...maybe or maybe I'll attempt that tomorrow. I am excited to start putting things in there place, sounds funny I know, but there are times both twins erupt at the sametime and there is nothing to do but leave things as they lay. This drives Mark nuts! Me not so much because I do things like that anyways and it makes sense to me to pick it up later. I don't know why I think this because it would be easier to pick it up the first time thenI wouldn't have to go back and do it. I know this, my brain knows this, but my habits don't know this. Anyone picking up what I'm dropping here. So tomorrow is attempt to pick up day and clean the bathroom day! Though I've learned in quick order NOT to get frustrated if all I get done in a day is feed kids, love them with patience, and still like my kids and husband at the end of the day. If at the end of the day I can say I have glorified God in my words, in my interactions with the ones dearest to me I have accomplished a lot more than what my house looks like! Because I have gotten done and have accomplished what looks best on the inside of me and that is priceless!

Example

Little feet, little hands, little eyes
Little feet go where I go, little hands yearn to do what I do.
Little eyes want to see what I see. She believes me.
She believes me when I say I love her.
More importantly she believes me when I say Jesus loves her.
Oh Lord help me show her,
by my words and by my actions that I love you.
Little hands want to feel the pizza dough.
Little feet want to dance to a song only she can hear.
Little eyes want to see I love her even when she's disobeyed.
My little one looks to me for how to handle the big bad world.
She learns how to be angry from me. She learns how to love from me.
She learns how to communicate from me.
Oh Lord let me serve you by actions.
Lord I want so badly for her to see you in me.
Thank you for giving me your word which shows me how to live.
Thank you for showing me how to live so that I might show Maddie.
Little hands, little feet, little words, a little heart.
A sponge in the hands of my shaking hands.
Lord help me soak my little sponge in your loving capable hands.
Let me make the choices that will teach my little one how to react.
How to love when wronged. How to persever when under trial.
How to rejoice with others excitment.
How to trust the Lord when it seems he's quiet
and his direction unclear.
Let me soak my little ones hands, feet, eyes, and soul in you!!!

Robin Russell - 4/24/2010

Change

Change

No matter how late or early I rise, you are already awake.
Ready to tackle anything that comes.
I ask your blessing on the day in hopes I will do as little damage as possible.
Praying I will be a blessing, praying my tongue will be bridled.
I want to look out for the interest of others.
I need to see others better than myself because you ask me to.
Yet I know in my heart as soon as I close my quiet time,
My words will pierce, my attitude will sour, and my soul will crumble.
I do not do what I want to do and do what I don’t want to do.
Why? Why must I become what I don’t want to become.
Teach me Lord, show me Lord how to live out my quiet times.
Give me the ability to choose to obey, to choose joy.
I am jealous, seething with coveting. Seething with wanting what others have.
Deal with me Lord. Change my heart. Help me love others.
You are always concerned with me. You ask me to change even if it’s painful.
I know you have my best interest at heart.
I know you won’t ask something of me unless it’s for my good or for your glory.
You know my deepest darkest ugliness.
Help me to Love you and to Love others. Help me to see others as better than myself.
Forgive me Lord for my jealousy and bitterness. Change my heart. Change my life.
Lord Change me. Let me be the one to be changed.

Robin Russell – 4/23/2010

Jealousy washed away

Jealousy washed away

Draw me close to you.
Let me watch you, learn from you, imitate you.
A newborn foal follows its mother.
Sticking close to its mother’s side and watching her every move.
Knowing its very survival depends on its ability to watch its mother’s signals.
Let me watch your signals knowing my peace of mind is in you.
My relationships with others depend on you.
My relationships depend on how I respond to them,
whether in love or in jealousy.
I am unable to love anyone with bitterness and jealousy in my heart.
My jealousy runs deeply, the point I am untrustworthy of others.
I am rotten and spoiled because of my jealousy,
because I covet what others have.
I covet what others are, I covet what others do.
To my very core, a root, that needs desperately to be dug up.
Dig it up Lord, take out the very roots.
Let me not look to others for happiness, but seek you out for my joy.
I have searched you and I wanted you to find the wicked ways in my heart.
You searched, you found, and you revealed to me the vial disgusting sludge.
Your word, prayer, and time will clean up the filth.
I know you will allow opprunity for me to practice the truth you have shown me.
I cannot practice it without your Holy Spirit showing me my attitude.
Holy Spirit help me to see my attitude.
Let me be conscious and make an effort to be excited for others.
Let me be concerned with others joy and to dance with them when they dance.
Let me sing for joy when they sing, let me Praise your Holy name in thanksgiving
For the awesome things you are doing in others lives.
Praise the Lord oh my soul, Praise the Lord.

Robin Russell – 4/23/2010

I cannot without the I AM!

I cannot love without you.
My flesh is too weak, my soul not strong enough.
I am incapable of reacting differently when wounded without you.
I want so badly to love without needing anything in return,
I know this is completely impossible without you!
I get angry and bitter and I know the only place to be rid of it, is to come sobbing at your feet.
Loneliness entangles me and tells me I am unworthy or anything,
You fill me up as no one else ever will be able to.
I am unable but you are able.
I am safe in your arms. I am never outside of your vision.
I am within your grasp,
When I am about to fall you reach your holy arms out and catch me.
Sometimes you allow me to fall, reminding me I am weak, without my I AM!
Even in my falling I am not outside of your protection.
In my falling you know exactly how far and how hard I can fall.
You know when it’s time to make your presence known.
Perfect timing teaching me how deep, how long, how forever your love is.
I cannot, am not, will not ever anything when I am not hanging on to you!
I look unto the mountains and yet it is not only mountains I see, I see you the Creator.
I do not walk the dangerous path without knowing it is you who keeps my feet from stumbling.
I cling to the knowledge that you are my protector who does not slumber.
You are my protector always on guard while the sun is up and when the moon takes its place.
I am not, cannot anything without you Lord Jesus.
It is you, only you Lord Jesus that protects me from the creator’s wrath.
Your blood that covers me and allows God to welcome me as redeemed.
It is you Jesus who allows me to walk, love; see others as better than myself.
It is you Jesus, only you Jesus!

Robin Russell….4/22/2010

Ugliness

I have a sign I made that says Please come in prepared to show your imperfect side. So here I am confessing my imperfect side. Acknowledging that I am and will forever be a work in procress. But I am so thankful the Lord will not leave me in a place that needs change. He knows changing my heart, changing my mind will bring me closer to him, closer to his glory!

Lord is showing me how vial I am...again! This is nothing new to me, but every once in a while I stumble across how vial I still am. I think man Mark and everyone else in the world has had to deal with this with me for how long! Which then causes me to get mad cause I don't want to change, it's hard work! Then I cry because I don't want to change, because it causes me great saddness to cause hurt to the ones I love with everyday interactions with me. I am also thrilled with the change because I know I will be more able to love the ones around me. I know I will be less vial to spend time with...hopefully. I know there are areas that will be a life long struggle and I will always battle them, but I am thankful that I can learn how to minimize them and how to battle them!

The big vialness is jealousy, coveting what others have and wanting it, being angry because others have something and I don't, which also flows form jealousy. These two things cause me to not be joyous for others. It affects my relationships because I am not always genuinely excited for them. Not looking out for the interest of others. I struggle to choose joy. Which I'm learning flows in every aspect of life. I am thankful God is changing me. I'm sure I will have more thoughts on this as I struggle through the swamps of jealousy, anger, and all the emotions that come with it. The Lord is pouring out Psalms through me which help me dialogue with myself and to be open to what's going on in my brain. I'll try and share some with you!

Thanks for loving me even though I am still vial. Thanks for being prepared to allow me to show my imperfect side! I'd love to sit down and have coffee, tea, soda, beer, what ever beverage you choose and chat about our ugly struggles and the victory we are finding in our faithful creator, father, lover, best friend, and saviour!

Let's Go Fly a Kite

Maddie found a stick and for some reason wanted me to

take her picture with it and then she proceeded to pose!

check out his cute outfit! surf boards and all. His pants are awesome!

Notice unhappy Titus in the background.

Maddie and Mark enjoying a picnic of PB&J, oranges,

carrots, and granola bites! yummy!

Somehow Naomi's hand ends up by Titus and Titus always ends

up sucking on her arm, fingers, whatever is closest. Silly boy.

We had bought the double bike trailer with the thought

we'd have a niece, nephew, or friends kid with Maddie. Who knew we'd need

it for our own twins!

Maddie enjoying Daddy time flying her kite.





Mark trying to fly Maddie's kite on a not so windy day.

Love is attempting to fly a kite with virtually no wind. Love is attempting to jump rope with a jump rope that is too short. We are attempting to potty train Maddie after three months of craziness! We are now trying to buckle Maddie down and get her independant enough to think to go potty on her own. She totally has the routine down! She can turn the bathroom light on and off. She can put her potty chair where it belongs, she can get her stool all by herself. We're working on washing hands as she can't reach the knob to turn the water on yet. She is even able to get toilet paper without it laying all over my bathroom floor! Big steps for Maddie. So we are now reinforcing her thinking of needing to go potty and doing it by herself with toys! Nothing fancy or expensive, it's amazing how wonderful a $3 toy can be! So far she has earned bugs, princesses, squirt guns, army men, beads to string, and lots of other fun goodies. One of those happened to be a Dora kite! So of course we HAD to go to the park and try it out. So we bundled the twins, packed a picnic of course and off we went to fly kites, attempt to jump rope, chase bugs and birds, and be in nature. Enjoying family time. That's right I said enjoying family time. It's not easy getting out of the apartment with everyone in tact without tears. But every once in a while it does happen or I should say we make it happen!

Naomi Abigail

He thinks of me and is working in my life even now!

Today was one of those days were I realized as a wife, a mom, a friend, and every other hat I put on for others needed to be taken off so I could wash my hair so to speak. I needed to get away, to soak in one on one time with my saviour Jesus. To tell him I'm burnt out, to tell him I'm sure I love my kids and I'm sure I'm glad I have twins but I'm not sure at this moment that I do. I know at these moments Jesus is coming to my rescue. I know he knows at this point I have had enough and need some alone time. Sometimes it takes place in the form of all three kids napping for a long period of time all at once. Sometimes in blissful moments like today the grandma's come to my rescue and take them for an afternoon! Oh how amazing five hours ALL by myself feels! Once the kids have walked out the door it's hard to decide what to do first. Do I take a bath? Do I sit down and do nothing, take a nap, do errands that require no children in tow?! But then I hear it, the strong gentle voice of my saviour saying me first! Come talk with me before you do one thing more!

I journaled today. I journaled that I do not like having twins and that I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day. I wrote how much I want a three bedroom, a house would be awesome, but a three bedroom shack would work at this point! I wrote how I need more me time, yet it seems selfish, but i know it's not selfish, I know by taking care of me I will be able to better take care of family. My attitude will be way better than I am sure of!

God heard my heart today. Is there any better hug from God then when you know he has heard you and has answered you. If if the answer is no or yes but you need to wait a little while longer. It's fabulous when it's a yes or he makes something marvelous happen. But some how there is even peace in a no I know has a come directly from the lips of God. Because I know if it's his lips saying it he's got a darn good reason for saying it. Knowing he has my best interest at heart. Today I got a keep waiting and a yes. I called my mom and at this point I was completely fried as a wife and mommy. Feeling like I had nothing else to give! One more twin crying, one more whine from Maddie and I felt ready to snap. Praise the Lord oh my sould that he kept me gentle, he kept me understanding and being compassionate to my kids! That was a God moment in and of itself! Today was also smoke/carbon monoxide decter checks. Where the manager comes around and makes sure they are working. He asked if everything was still working, then he assured me that we were still on the waiting list for a three bedroom AND the office is working to have one open for us to move into! How awesome is that! The building is also key. There is a building where they are allowed to smoke and we do NOT want to be in that building. Which leaves only two buildings left we can move to. Preferably the one we are in but it's not very likely. So we are waiting, still waiting to be able to spread our wings. But I know God heard my cry for recharging my batteries and for a bit more space! God talked to me today! I love conversations with people when I know it's not them talking it's the Lord talking directly through them. They may not have a clue but my soul knows it and connects with it right away! Praise the Lord oh my soul praise the Lord!

Easter

I tried and tried to get Titus to smile, Mark walked in the room and

Titus lit up like a christmas tree. Mark can walk in the door at the end of the day

and Titus will smile after having a scowl on his face all day. As if to say were where you all day dad!

My handsome little man in his stylish plaid pants! Soooo cute!!!

I have a feeling this will be about how they are their whole lives.

Naomi will be the talker with "great" ideas and Titus will look at her

like I don't know about this and will forever say mom it was her idea.

Happy Smilely Naomi

My beautiful apprenticed ladies in their matching dresses





So...with 2 month old twins and a three year old we didn't make it to church this year. Which is fine because Jesus has risen whether we go to church easter sunday or any sunday for that matter! He has risen and we are so thankful. I am also thankful because Maddie has asked Jesus in her heart this easter season. We strive to teach God's word when we sit and when we rise, when we are church, when we are at the supper table, in the bathtub. May his words forever be on our lips.


The girls looked beautiful and Titus looked so handsome in his new clothes! Silly how we dress them up in clothes they'll grow out of in five seconds, but it's fun none the less while it lasts! Enjoy the pics!

Time to myself...what's that?

A morning to myself. This never happens! I never use to like time to myself. I wanted to be around people. Maybe because then I didn't think as much, satan wasn't allowed then to tell me lies and decete. Which he does often. He tells me my friends don't have time to talk to me, he says your fine do life on your own. He tells me I'm not important and lots of other junk. I know it's junk, but there are times when he talks were in my weakness it makes sense. Silly I know, especially when he is the father of lies, he is a lion seeking whom he may devour. Yet I listen to him. I am thankful I am not alone but guided and reminded by the Holy Spirit that Satan is a liar and a deceiver. The holy spirit reminds me I have power through Jesus Christ to tell satan to shut up and get behind thee satan! I have power in the blood. Which is also a great responsibilty because with that power means I am to love my neighbor as myself, more than myself. I am to love the Lord my God with all my heart, all my soul, and all my body. Sometimes I don't want to do that. Sometimes I get rebellious, more often than not, and I don't want to do whatever it is God is telling me. Usually it's loving someone who won't, can't, or chooses not to love me back. Ouch. That hurts. I don't want to love without it being returned. How lonely that feels, how hopeless that feels. Yet God says I'm not alone, he says I will love you. His love feels like it's not enough sometimes which is also a lie from the lion seeking whom he may devour. I desire more than anything to love without it mattering if I am loved in return. This means I need to be so connected to my savior it does not matter if I am loved or unloved by humans. Oh but I want to be loved by humans, I want to be accepted, I want to be valued. Satan whispers in my ear all the time that I am no accepted by humans, that I am not valued, who would want to spend time with you. I could sobb thinking of loneliness.

I also am a great one for having a great devotion/time with Jesus and then soaking on that for a week. After awhile the wine skin gets old, weak, and has to be thrown out. It doesn't work to function on one devotion a week. It must be daily, but I struggle with daily. Not because I have three kids and a husband, that would only be an excuse if I said I don't have time. I know God will always carve time out for me to spend with him! He is always faithful to make sure I have my daily bread and my thrist is quenched by him. It is also in this time that Satan is stomped out, where I am able to be guided to be the best wife, mommy, friend, sister, daughter. Where my different hats are guided and shown how to do them better.

I am thankful for a God who loves me so much he comes and gets me when I have neglected my relationship with him. Who is faithful to show me my emotions are out of whack because my relationship with him is out of whack. This I ponder, how does one get through earth without Jesus! Life is too painful, too unknown to go through it without Jesus!