Nomad wonderings

Ever since I can remember I have never been content to stay in one place. I would get to a place, I would absorb it for all it was worth, then I would be ready to look for the next adventure, the next journey. I have seen amazing places in the United States, lived amongst amazing people. In each place God has taught me something that would prepare me for the next move of my life. But in all my wonderings I was still looking for something, something I couldn't grasp or comprehend but I knew there was something missing. I have known Jesus all of my life, I was saved at the age of 6 years old, I have lived a life of a missionary in full time ministry. I serve as a missionary to my husband and three kids now. When I prayed to ask God what it was I was missing or what it was I was looking for, I was not prepared for what he showed me. God showed me and told me the roaming I was doing, the moving from one place to another was because I was searching for God, I was searching for heaven. Some how my spirit knows earth is not it's home, earth is not my final destination. Some how my mind, body, and soul know that there is more to life than earth and it's fleshly trials and struggles.

I still struggle at times with the need to wonder and move around. There are times that I struggle and start looking for an outward source. It's in these times the Holy Spirit gently reminds me it is God I am looking for and it is the creator I already know and love that my soul, heart, and spirit are looking for. I have already found what I'm looking for and to rest in the creator, rest in my father God, and because Jesus Christ died for me, I can rest in the blood of Jesus because it's His blood that bridges the gap for me.  It's because of Jesus's blood I do not have to be afraid of the hollowness that was once between God and I, there is no hollowness now, there is only onness, that is found in Christ and knowing him.

So While I still wonder and my soul still searches for heaven, it's eternal peaceful home.  I am at peace and while it's fun to still go to different places and see all the wonders God has created, but I no longer wonder blindly with a hunger I don't know how to feed. God has given me what I need to feed the hungers of my soul here on earth, but I have to have a daily feeding, or my soul, spirit, and heart will be blinded and starved. God has given me The Holy Bible filled with the wisdom of God and to those who believe in his name and have confessed their sins and accepted Jesus Christ into their heart, to these people he has given The Holy Spirit.

Mark and I are renters, we are not yet ready to buy our own home...yet. We have moved eight times in six years. That is a lot of moving and honestly I'm tired of moving, I'm tired of loosing something every time we pack and unpack. I also struggle with making wherever we move to our home because at first it is just our house. It's the people in it, the woman in it, that makes it a home. But I struggle with this part because what if I get everything set up in just the right place and all of a sudden it's time to move again. I don't want to fix up a house we live in, that isn't mine because I don't want to invest in something that is not going to come with me. But the Lord reminded me today that earth and whatever house I live in is not my permanet destination. Earth is only a long layover before I go home to be with Jesus and My Abba Papa. What does this mean for me? It means I'm going to do my best to make our house a home. I'm going to do my best to make the house and yard we have the most enjoyable and beautiful as I can make it. I am going to do my best with the help of the Holy Spirit to deal with today and trust God for tomorrow. A tomorrow I may enjoy in heavenly paradise anyways.

I'm a nomad who wonders, who may never have a permant place on earth to call my own. But that's ok, because someday I will have mansion in heaven and I will spend eternity in the presence of God the Father.  I will choose to live as the gospel of Matthew says. Matthew 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Patience in searching...

I'm on a journey of learning how to be the best help meet for my husband. Meeting his needs so that he is at his best to serve the God who created him for greatness. A God who wants to send him out into a world to minister and serve others, pointing them to Christ. A world who wants to steal my mans manliness and his worth as a man.

What is my role as Mark's help meet? As I read through Created to be his helpmeet. I am learning that there are three types of men. The command man, the visionary man, and the steadfast man. Mrs. Pearl says that men are usually a little bit of each of these, they are also usually dominant in one of these areas. Mark is hands down the visionary man! Mark is creative and inventive. He loves the thrill of the hunt or in his case the thrill of the perfect photograph. He's in search of the perfect natural lighting, seeing in nature what I myself am too impatient to even care to see. Yet, when Mark says, "Robin look!", I am always amazed at what he has me stop and look at and also amazed at how much I miss because of my fly-by personality.

My role as Mark's wife is to first and foremost pray and lift him up to the Lord. Interceding for him to the LORD who created him. Praying for the Holy Spirits direction in his life and that Mark would be suble and open to the direction the LORD wants him to go. As Mark's wife my job is to be open to the directions God wants him to go. Trusting in the Lord with all my heart and leaning on the promise that my path will be made straight when I do trust. Mark has a vision and passion to one day have a ministry out of his photography. He wants to use his talent with a camera to direct and point people to Christ. What you may ask is my role in this. As of right now, my role is to pray for God's timing in the matter, while praying God will give Mark patience and peace in the desire of his heart. Not going before or after God, but waiting on God's perfect timing. My role is to tighten our grocery bill if the case arises that we need to pinch pennies even tighter. My role is to encourage Mark and give my imput IF and I do say IF Mark asks for it. I need to remember I am NOT Mark's guide or the one to tell him what to do.

Let me say this, I am finding that when I get on board with my man's passions, when I am encouraging him instead of fighting him on everything and not knit picking just because I feel out of control or insecure. Mark is more often open to the insight I may have on the circumstance or situation. He is open and suble and ready to hear what I have to say AND is also usually willing to acknowledge that I might be right.  If however, I fight against what the LORD is doing in my man or asking him to do, I am destroying whatever God wants my man to do for his glory. I am deflatting the man God has given instructions to fulfill. Imagine if Noah's wife had said honey you are off your rocker and pitched a fit, could she have deflated Noah and detered him from a most important situation. What about Sari, Abrahams wife, if she had flat out refused to go anywhere because she wanted to be near her family and would go nowhere. We can see the big picture of a flood coming and of a promised land, but Sari and Noah's wife didn't have an end result picture to follow. All they had was their husband and the LORD their God that they trusted. They went on blind faith and were honored for it and their husbands were able to fulfill what God asked them to do.

 Something I noticed about each of these women is that they trusted God and had an intimate relationship with HIM. Perhaps it was not their husbands they trusted so much as it was YAHWEH they were trusting and following. When God asks us to do something he also brings peace along in the circumstance, but I have to allow the peace by being willing to submit to Mark and choose joy and choose to be thankful in the circumstance. Even praying and being thankful in advance for the amazing works he will do through my husband.

I am usually harder on myself than Mark is and I often find myself apologizing to him for telling him what to do, not meeting a need I knew he had and didn't do anything about. I apologize and he looks at me and says I didn't think that needed apologizing for, but he also says grants forgiveness. I am trying to be patient with myself and give myself room to error and blow it. I am after all still human, I need to give myself room and time to pratice being joyful always and thankful at all times. My husband can see my effort and is being patient with me. God is patient with me, so I also need to be patient with myself. Being patient with mself does not give me permission to slack off and not do my help meet role. That's not at all what I am saying. I am giving myself permission to seek God's forgiveness, Mark's forgiveness, forgive myself and the continue to press on and fullfill my help meet role in Mark's life.

He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus! Be patient but press on!

note: Since I have begun to pursue meeting Mark's needs joyfully without complaining and actively being Mark's help meet, he has taken the trash out twice without me having to do it or having to ask him too!

Note to Mark: Thanks babe for taking the trash out, I sinerely appreciate it! But, I also know that you have a lot on your plate and when you aren't able to take the trash out, I am more than happy to do it! I love you babe!

Created...

Many of us search and search for what we have been created for, what is the big picture of my life? For the Christian this should be an easy one, to glorify God with all my heart, soul, and mind. My life should be an outpouring of my intimate relationship with God. But what areas does God want me to pour into? Does he want me to pour into full time ministry, does he want me to pour into my husband, my kids.

For me this has been a hard question. I have been looking outside my family for a ministry opportunity. To some of you this sounds admirable and yet some of you are thinking to yourself it's a no-brainer, my family is ministry. While my brain and heart know this, my soul hadn't yet caught up with the concept of my family being my ministry.

I am on a journey, a journey of learning to be my husbands help meet. Not trying to be Mark's mommy, his boss, or even trying to be the Holy Spirit guiding his thoughts and actions. But being his help meet. Selflessly loving my husband so that God can use him at his best. So that Mark can go to work with a whistle in his breath and excitement in his step and a spirit that is light. My roll is to help Mark be able to glorify God and meet an ugly world that wants to bash his manliness! My roll is to affirm Mark as the man God has glorified him to be. The world can be an intimating place and a man needs someone to tell him that through Christ he can bring down a giant. My place is to affirm my man to accomplish all that the Lord has in store for him.

Now, being Mark's help meet is NOT possible without a deep love and respect for God, the creator of this world. It is not possible on my own, especially while I"m pmsing or just being a spiteful woman. Being Mark's help meet requires me to be in the word daily, to surround myself with other women who are like minded to encourage me to run the race. Being Mark's help meet requires tears while I die to myself again and submit to God who has created me to be a woman, a married woman, thus a help meet. Being Mark's help meet requires a conscious effort to practice being joyful and thankful at all times. It requires me to relax, laugh, and let go of control, letting one hand go of the monkey bars so I can swing to another rung trusting the Lord to land my hand safely on the next rung. It's scary letting go of control, the fear of the unknown, the fear of rejection and being unloved. The fear of standing alone giving my own for a man who might not return it.

Yet as I continue on the journey to be Mark's help meet I am learning through my own journey and the stories of other women who have gone before me that THIS route is THE route to take! Less of me and more of doing what God has asked me to do. Being Mark's helpmeet completely goes against what the world and even the christian world have to say about the "worth" of a woman and what are rolls look like.

I have chosen to choose joy and thanksgiving, I have chosen to giggle and try and see the lighter side to life. As I giggle, when Mark asks me to do something and I smile and happily do it, he is changing. Mark is becoming more joyful and relaxed. Lovemaking, which up until now was referred to by me as sex. When lovemaking is simply referred to ask sex, it is simply that. It is not an expression of love, it's just an act that doesn't really mean anything and something I'd rather have over with sooner than later. But it has become love making and I have come to love lovemaking! I am finding the sparks that had almost gone out, I have found that the missing spark was me...not Mark! Mark did try but how do you start a wet, cold, and frozen log?

I'm on a journey, a journey I am so thankful the Lord has brought to my attention. A journey that is going to glorify God and take Mark and I places we never thought we could go. I'm thankful that God loves me enough to go through painful journeys, that ask me to die more to myself and ask me to give God full control. Purging the junk out of heart, soul, and mind and fully submitting my will for his will!

Do I feel unequal to Mark, do I feel less of a person, do I feel like a servant? I honestly do not feel less of a person. As I have come to help Mark meet his needs, he has become aware of my needs. He has become a tender lover, a happy helpful helper around the house when he can. As I allow Mark his place of authority and leadership in our home he starts to be affirmed of his place in our home. As I allow Mark to become the man, he starts acting like a man, and less of a caged person in his own home. When I start to give Mark the authority, the kids fall in line with me. Our home becomes a peaceful place because I am allowing the order in our home that God has designed. Going outside of God's design is going outside of his protection for us. It is always better under God's design. Because I submit to Mark does not mean I have no pull in our home. I as a woman have more pull and power than I care to think about. I can use that pull to uplift, joyfully obey my husband, and pray for him or I can use that same power to destroy the man God has given me. Us women have a choice to build up or tear down, to get better or bitter. The choice is yours!

I'm on a journey...won't you seek to come on the journey with me?!