It is so easy to get life tunnel vision. The dryer breaks, the car is running on fumes and your not sure if these are good fumes, the kids go crazy, the bank account dries up and you start wondering if your sanity will go with it soon. You pray and pray harder, you trust and try to trust harder, but all that happens in the end is ending up in a pile of tears on the floor. I have found that I am attempting life on my own. I think God took a back seat and well if he's not going to fix it then I will! In the moment I do not think I am mustering my own strength, what it looks like to me is a desperate woman on my knees before The Lord. I am in part doing this in all honesty, but another part of me is hanging on for dear life to way I want life to steer. I am trying with all my might to hang on to the steering wheel, after all don't I know the way I want to go and isn't that the direction God wants me to go too? I have notions in my head of what I want and what I don't want and when it doesn't line up with God's, well, fine, I'll figure it out without you.
My heart has raged with jealousy this week, it has raced with frustration, and every other ugly emotion. I emailed a very good friend, who happens to be my cousin, and poured my sorry heart out to her. She gave me permission to feel these emotions, then she became a witness of God's goodness in her life. She took away the guilt of what I was feeling, it was truly freeing. Then God pointed out that life is so much more than my tunnel vision, it is so much more than simply here and now, God showed me and took my blinders off, and showed me that he is in the process of a bigger picture. A bigger picture that has my good in mind. He showed me, reassured me, to keep trusting, keeping moving forward, and to enjoy the moment, enjoy the slowness. Trust me Robin he says. Oh, to know that God has something coming, to know God is working, and not simply leaving me in a slump is oh so amazingly soul happy. I rejoice the God took my blinders off, I rejoice at the tunnel vision God was showing me I was having! I rejoice in my God, my Abba!
He has rescued me from my slump, he has turned sorrow and self pity into praise.