Humbled by my kids...again

Once again I have been humbled by my kids. This weekend we moved the majority of our things over to our new house. It didn't work out to move it the weekend we actually move because we didn't have help to do it. My cousin Angie and her family kept all three kids over the weekend so we could move as much as possible without having to feed and put kids to bed and out of trouble. I picked them up Monday morning and I warned Maddie that the apartment would be different. I warned her that our things are at the new house but that there were still a few toys to play with and we have beds to sleep on.

Maddie walked into the living room and exclaimed, "What!" She then went into all the other rooms and in each room exclaimed, "what!" When she got to her room she said the same What!, but then she saw her bed and said, "oh, my bed!" She then went about playing with Naomi and Titus with the few toys we do have here.

It hasn't fazed Titus and Naomi that our sofa and recliner are not in the living, they haven't noticed that our dinning room table isn't were it should be. What they have noticed is that they have a few toys, each other to play with, and Mommy and daddy are here.

Lesson learned, life isn't what you have, life is who you have! This is actually a biblical truth. Everything including my life could be taken from me and life still boils down to who I know, not what I have! Life is about knowing Jesus Christ, who saves us from our sins, who has covered me with His blood!

Life isn't about what you have, but who you have!

Corrie Ten Boom and Harriet Tubman

Corrie Ten Boom and Harriet Tubman are two women whom most after reading their stories would say, "Wow, these women are amazing." I am among such people who says this. But after reading about the lives of these women I think they would both would say with confidence, they were only the servants of the Lord doing his work during a horiffic and tragic time. Both women experianced a type of imprisionment, both experianed cruelty at the hands of those they would see as lost, hurting souls in need of Jesus. Both women felt the call from God to rescue people out of the hands of slave masters and nazi soliders. If caught both of these women could have faced punishment that could have certainly brought about their death. Yet, leaning on the Lord, they both Trusted the Lord with all their hearts and leaned NOT on their own understanding, in all their ways God directed their path. They trusted that whatever happened, God was still good and still loving.

 These women trusted God with their griefs, sorrows, and the injustices of this world. Harriet trusted God so throughly that when He told her to get off of a road she got off. When the Lord told her to hide, she hid. She knew the voice of God without a shadow of a doubt. Corrie trusted God so throughly that she did not fear death and was able to bring those around her in the concentration camps to the eternal life in Jesus.

After reading so many of Corrie Ten Boom's books and after reading about Harriet Tubman, I want what they have with God! An ability to trust God no matter what they may come up against. To trust God with my emotions, my money, my relationships, and everything that passes by me in this life. The thing these ladies had was relationship! They dwelt at Jesus feet, they needed to be near Jesus, they needed to cling to him like my kids do when there are strangers around they don't know. These ladies were able to look beyond circumstance, because they had a relationship with Jesus that was greater than their circumstance. Life is NOT about circumstance, it is about relationship! It is about trusting God with all my heart and leaning not on my understanding, and in all my way acknowledging the ONE TRUE GOD, and He WILL (not maybe or he'll think about it, not just a minute) direct MY path.

My question to myself is this, "What does my relationship with Jesus look like and what areas are there that I need Jesus to search and see if there is any wicked way in me. To see if there is anything that under fire would take my eyes off of Him." I am comforted by the words of Corrie Ten Boom's father. When Corrie was young she went on an outting with her father, Corrie told her father she was afraid to die. Corrie's father told her that death is like a ticket that you pick up once you are at the train station. Once you get the ticket God will give you the courage you need.

I acknowledge that God does indeed bring what I need when I need it. When Mark was in school and we didn't have much money for groceries or we didn't know how a bill would get paid, we would find food in our cupboards and bills paid in full. We even had someone give us a vehicale! With this knowledge that God is taking care of me even now, he will of course take care of me in the gravest and darkest of times.

Relationship, it all starts and end with relationship! Father God make me hungry for time with you. May I never be fullfilled until I have sat at your feet. Let me, like Harriet and Corrie be used for your kingdom and your glory. Harriet and Corrie's lives were not about being brave or hero's, it was about bringing people to the saving power of Jesus, it was about doing what they did because Jesus asked them to.

What is Jesus asking you to do? If he has asked you, then he will supply all the means you need to fullfill the task!

What does it mean to be satisfied?

"I know some may shake their heads while thinking I take all this God stuff too seriously. And I would have to agree completely. I've tasted the deep satisfaction of God and I know all other things are but cheap imitations. And I don't want to be enamored by the lesser things wrought with momentary pleasure."

-Made to Crave, by Lysa Terkeurst-

What do you crave? What things absolutely scare you to loose? Does it scare you to think of not being loved? Do you cringe at rejection? When you find for one reason or another you are being "denied" that craving, how do you react? Do you panic? Do you cry, get angry? Do you pick up the quickest, easiest thing to pacify your craving?

I personally have two answers. My answers depend on if I answer in the flesh on my own strength or if I enter into it in the spirit. If I answer in the flesh I am going to be grouchy, irritable, and I am going to probably act like a tiger in a cage desperate to get out.

I have a deep craving to be loved. It use to and sometimes still scares me to think of someone denying me their love. I desire and crave answers to all the questions women ask. "Am I beautiful? Am I worth loving? Will I be persuade."

 If I answer in the spirit this can look like a couple different things. There are times when I am in perfect peace and contentment in knowing that God in heaven is in charge and knows full well what is going on. I have peace and am rooted in the truth of the scriptures and what they tell me about who I am and who God is. There are other times when I still go to God but I am either grieving what I think I am loosing or I get rebellious towards God with a rebellious heart. Weather I go to God grieving or rebellious I have gone to the right person for both. He is the God of comfort, He is the God of truth, and will walk me through my grief. He is also wonderful in aligning me with His authority and reminding me that he has my good in mind, but doing it  in a way that only my amazing everlasting love Father God could do. He is able to take my rebellious heart and align it with His will, bringing me to a place of peace.

For me being satisfied is only possible through Jesus Christ, who is able through His blood to bring me before the Father of this world to fill my deepest voids. To heal my deepest wounds, to bring everlasting joy and peace into my life. Everlasting joy and peace are possible, everlasting love is possible. But it is only possible with God, through Jesus Christ. Anything else will leave you craving and wanting something else. Relationships will not be enough, the chocolate bar will not be enough, alcohol, sex, nothing will be enough. God has made us with a beacon inside of us that is looking for Him and until you connect with Jesus your beacon will always drive you nuts because you won't know how to shut it off until you meet Jesus. He will switch your beacon from driving you nuts, to a beacon that will need to be shut off with daily meetings with the Father. Meetings that will fill your soul, that will satisfy you in a way you never thought possible.

Don't know how to be satisfied with Jesus? You don't know what it all means. I would LOVE to walk  you through what it means, how you start a relationship with Jesus. I invite you to come be satisfied with Jesus!

Titus

Titus David Russell, is my son, he's my youngest by a whopping 13 minutes. He is a love bug who gives fabulous hugs, he is mechanical and we are often amazed at how he can figure things out. He loves playing with his sisters, but he also enjoys picking on them. I am forever amazed at how different he is from our girls. I realize the obvious difference. But you have to take in consideration that I had two sisters and zero brothers. Boys are a whole nother realm to me. I am pleased that my son is all boy! He has been walking around shooting things pretty much from birth, I distinctly remember him pointing his sippy cup at Mark and shooting him, while making the gun noises. He discovered the other day that when you push two things into each other at a rapid rate it makes a very fun crashing sound. He now crashes his tonka cars, he crashes into his sisters, anything he things would make a fun crashing sound, he thinks is great.

One of these boy moments hit home with me and God used it as a parable in my life. I can only chalk this moment up to a boy moment. Titus was standing on the couch, he turned around, and ran and leaped off the couch. Now I don't know how he thought he was going to land, he simply thought hmm I'm going to run and jump off the couch. Thankfully I was sitting beside him and quickly grabbed his hand and helped him land a little smoothier. He thought that was great and proceded to do it a couple more times. Now I can vouch and tell you my girls have never thought, "hey, I'm going to run and jump off the couch".

After thinking on this leaping episode a bit. God then spoke to me, he reminded me that there have been plenty of times in my life when I have leaped without thinking what the consequences would be or worse lept knowing there would be consequences but I didn't care. God also reminded me that when I have leaped he has grabbed my hand and helpd me have a smootheir landing. There have been times when God has felt it safe enough to allow me to belly flop. Two things can happen when I am allowed to belly flop. One, get embarrssed and throw a tantrum because I'm made I flopped. The second option is to humbly accept that I flopped, ask for forgiveness, and see to reconcile with God and those I may have hurt in the flopping process.

When I look at Titus, I often think to myself as God spoke to Jesus, there is MY son in whom I am well pleased. The next time I watch my son leap, I will remember there is one bigger than I who is ready to catch my son and who loves him more than I do. One who knows when it is best to let Titus belly flop or when to grab his hand for a smoothier landing.

Bean dip

Maddie snacking on my homemade bean dip.

Kid tested, mommy approved!

My bean dip is so fabulous! The first step is making homemade re fried beans. It is so simple, it's frugal and it's delicious, it doesn't make sense not to make your own beans. I use dried pinto beans that I soak for 24-8 hours prior to cooking them. Soaking beans does two things. First, it usually reduces the cooking time. Secondly, it is suppose to allow you to digest them more easily. Soaking the beans breaks down the beans and allows your cut to digest them more easily. I soak the beans in enough water to cover them, leaving about an inch or two above them. It's important to give them lots of water as they will soak up quit a bit of the water. Then I add a couple tablespoons of vinegar to the water and cover it with a clean dish towel. That's it for soaking! Once the beans are done soaking, drain them in a colander to rinse the beans, and prepare as normal. Super easy and much easier on your digestive system.

Now on to making re fried beans:

Re fried Beans

1 onion peeled and halved

1/2 fresh jalapeno pepper, seeded and chopped

2 Tablespoons garlic (minced)

5 teaspoons salt

1 3/4 teaspoon fresh black pepper

1/8 teaspoon cumin

9 cups water

Place onion, rinsed beans, jalapeno, garlic, salt, pepper, and cumin into a slow cooker. Pour in the water and stir to combine. Pour in the water and stir to combine. Cook on high 8 hrs. adding more water as needed.

Note: If more than 1 cup of water has evaporated during cooking, temp. is too high. Because we have little kids who I want to be able to eat the beans, I omit the jalapeno pepper so it is not spicy for them.

Once beans have cooked, staring them and reserve the water. Mash the beans with potato masher (I use my kitchen aid mixer, much easier). Adding the reserved water as needed for consistency.

Cheesy Bean Dip

1/2 the batch of re fried beans from recipe above

1 16 oz. sour cream

1 16 oz. of your favorite salsa (you can use smooth or chunky)

as much cheddar and mozzarella cheese as to your taste

Place re fried beans in large pot, stir in sour cream and salsa. Continue stirring until heated through and well blended. Then add your cheeses, adding a little at a time and stirring until the cheese is totally incorporated. You can also mix match your cheeses to your preference of cheese.

Note: I often use these beans when I make enchiladas. Because the cheese and salsa are already in the beans it saves me a couple of steps. Very delicious!

Dealing with the feeling of inadequacy

Imperfect me.

I struggle with depression, I always have and probably always will. The first thing Satan does to get the depression rolling is to isolate me away from friends and believers. Because Satan knows that I have amazing friends waiting to lift me up in spirit with scripture and who are great at reminding me that I am a child of Jesus Christ and that Satan has NO business telling me anything! There is a scene in one of the Harry Potter movies where Harry is starting to isolate himself from his friends, while walking in the woods he meets a friend, a girl who is a bit weird by most standards. Harry and this girl talk a bit and she then says, "If I were you-know-who I would want you to be isolated from your friends, because your easier to get to that way", that's not an exact quote, but you get the picture. It's the same with Satan, if he can get us alone, he can get us to believe just about anything.

I recently emailed my cousin and asked for prayer because I am dealing with depression, but I was also dealing with a bigger issue that I couldn't put my finger on. An issue that until I recognized it for what it was I couldn't deal with it.

Then it hit me one day, I'm battle inadequacy! I think I'm not good enough. I am battling the thought, "I am by definition considered morbidly obese." What an awful thing to be labeled! Yuck. The thought of being morbidly obese filterers into every single area of my life. It affects everything! I battle with thoughts of living in a three bedroom apartment with five people, three of them being kids. My house is somewhat picked up and clean, but it's an apartment with a family and there is always stuff everywhere. I am struggling with keeping a food menu together, which means I am almost certain I am overspending on groceries. Overspending at our house is a big concern because we like many families have to pinch our pennies.

So what do I do? I go to the word! I go to my Father God and admit my short comings. I admit that I am not being organized, I admit that I need to get back to being balanced. I go to the word and get reaffirmed about who I am and who I belong to. I get reaffirmed in the word, I take every thought captive! The clutter in my home I deal with my looking around me and asking myself, my husband, and my kids what do we need to get rid of. What toys aren't my kids playing with, what bins, movies, books are we not reading and using. For meal planning I go look in my cupboards, fridge, and pantries to see what items I have to make meals with and get my menu going. Menu planning does tons of things! It allows me more free time with my family and friends because supper is either in the crock pot, marinading, or is able to be fixed at the last moment. Menu planning lets me go to the beach with no worries about what to feed my hungry family. Meal planning insures that my family is eating balanced and nourishing meals. It means that my suppers become lunches and saves us tons of money because we are reusing what I am making! Two meals with one shot! Awesome!

When I have the feeling of not being good enough, it's usually because my life is off balance somewhere and I need to stop and figure out what I need to do to stop tripping on my own feet. It makes so much more work for myself!

The truth of the matter is this, I am not good enough and I never will be! But, Jesus Christ is good enough and he always will be. Philippians 1:6 I am confidence that he who began a good work in me WILL  perfect it until the day of Christ! How exciting is that?!!! It gives me permission to be imperfect! It reassures me that when I get off balanced, Jesus is going to work with me to get balanced. When my house gets cluttered, it's another chance to learn to be organized. Dealing with being morbidly obese, learning to curb my desires, learning to deny myself the delicacies that my 30 year old body can no longer work off as fast as my 25 year old body could.

In the mean time I will rest in the amazing knowledge and truth that I am Confident that Jesus who began a good work in me WILL complete me until he comes back!!! I'm a work in progress, my paint is still wet...but that's OK!

If I sat still long enough

One of my most precious moments in life is when I get to sing and rock one of my babies to sleep. Maddie has not fallen asleep to my singing and rocking her for a couple years now, Naomi outgrew it at 6 months, and Titus outgrew it shortly after Naomi. But there are moments like tonight when Maddie's allergies awaken her and she struggles with coughing and the sniffles. Nights when all she wants is tylenol and rocking with mommy.

There are moments and nights when I am too tired and I simply escort her back to bed and rub her back for a bit. But then there are other moments like tonight where my mommy heart kicks in and I am reminded that my babes are only small but for a short time. Rocking my babes is one of the most sweetest moments and I don't think anyone fully understands until they themselves are a mommy.

It was tonight as I was rocking Maddie, relishing and soaking up every moment of cuddling with her that I realized. Perhaps this is the very safe, comfortable, relaxed feeling that God wants us to have with Him. To seek my solice and comfort from Him. Also, it causes me to think, does God look at me with the most utmost love, like I look at Maddi with the utmost love. There are moments when I look at my kids and think man, that child is mine. I am in awe that they could have possibly come from my body and are entrusted to me. It causes me to think, does God look at me like that? Does he look down from heaven and smile and say to Himself, wow, that child is mine! I hope so, I truly and dearly hope so! I want a father in heaven that looks at me with the utmost love, that looks at me with awe and wonder and thinks man I created her! I hope that God relishes in the tender moments I share with Him, like the tender moments I share with Maddie.

But it also causes me to think, in the mornng Maddie will not be still enough to sit on my lap and rock a bye. It will actually be the last thing she thinks about as she goes this way and that. This causes me to wonder, am I like that with God? Do I sit still long enough to enjoy be rocked by God, so to speak or am I like Maddie and get busy going this way and that.

For my next quite time I think I shall simply mediate on God's wonders and marvelous ways. Perhaps I will attempt to sit long enough to soak up the presence of God, my Father. Relishing that perhap my Father in Heaven is relishing also in the fact that I have come to sit with him, come to find comfort. Perhaps my Fathr in Heaven will relish in the moment with me, as I relish it when Maddie seeks solice with me! It's an overwhelming thought that God thinks of me in that way and loves me even more than I love Maddie! Now that's amazing and worth sitting still for!