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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Being a mommy is hard...

I love my kids, I even love being a mom...most of the time. Their smiles will melt the coldest hearts and their snuggles melt my heart. Being a wife and mommy is the hardest thing I have ever done. It demands me to be completely selfless and giving. I can choose not to be selfless and I can choose to not give and give but all that does is unsettle the kids, piss Mark off, and when I am done with my hissy fit I am left with shattered kids and a wounded husband. It is so hard to pour out day in and day out, especially when it feels like my husband expects me to keep doing what I do day in and day out without a break, because in his eyes he doesn't get a break. Work is not a break he tells me and I'm sure it's not. I have worked outside the home and I understand it, but there are some mornings I would give anything to do a different job than feed, change diapers, homeschool. But at the sametime I wouldn't trade being a stay at home mom. To give my kids the security of having mommy at home, giving them the security that I will be there to comfort them, read them a book, teach them to make cookies, listen to frustrations, watch them succeed. Teaching them to love Jesus, teaching them to fear God, teaching them to complete a task well and to work hard. Watching their personalities unfold. But being a stay at home mom also means dealing with the frutrations of babies not eatting what you made them, Maddie wetting the bed for the third night in a row, making meals on a budget. It means sitting on my couch and watching as traffic and live goes by.  Once upon a time I was a wild, carefree, do what comes as it comes girl. Once upon a time I was adventurous and thrill seeking. Now I'm a mama wondering how I can incorporate my kids into do someo f the wild and carefree things I use to...key word "use to". I am thankful for Jesus who knows my heart longs to be elsewhere, for a God who created me the way I am and knows exactly how I work and what I need best. I am thankful He loves me and comes and ministers to wounded hearts like mine. What I think is wounded really ends up being tired.

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