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Thursday, April 1, 2010

Time to myself...what's that?

A morning to myself. This never happens! I never use to like time to myself. I wanted to be around people. Maybe because then I didn't think as much, satan wasn't allowed then to tell me lies and decete. Which he does often. He tells me my friends don't have time to talk to me, he says your fine do life on your own. He tells me I'm not important and lots of other junk. I know it's junk, but there are times when he talks were in my weakness it makes sense. Silly I know, especially when he is the father of lies, he is a lion seeking whom he may devour. Yet I listen to him. I am thankful I am not alone but guided and reminded by the Holy Spirit that Satan is a liar and a deceiver. The holy spirit reminds me I have power through Jesus Christ to tell satan to shut up and get behind thee satan! I have power in the blood. Which is also a great responsibilty because with that power means I am to love my neighbor as myself, more than myself. I am to love the Lord my God with all my heart, all my soul, and all my body. Sometimes I don't want to do that. Sometimes I get rebellious, more often than not, and I don't want to do whatever it is God is telling me. Usually it's loving someone who won't, can't, or chooses not to love me back. Ouch. That hurts. I don't want to love without it being returned. How lonely that feels, how hopeless that feels. Yet God says I'm not alone, he says I will love you. His love feels like it's not enough sometimes which is also a lie from the lion seeking whom he may devour. I desire more than anything to love without it mattering if I am loved in return. This means I need to be so connected to my savior it does not matter if I am loved or unloved by humans. Oh but I want to be loved by humans, I want to be accepted, I want to be valued. Satan whispers in my ear all the time that I am no accepted by humans, that I am not valued, who would want to spend time with you. I could sobb thinking of loneliness.

I also am a great one for having a great devotion/time with Jesus and then soaking on that for a week. After awhile the wine skin gets old, weak, and has to be thrown out. It doesn't work to function on one devotion a week. It must be daily, but I struggle with daily. Not because I have three kids and a husband, that would only be an excuse if I said I don't have time. I know God will always carve time out for me to spend with him! He is always faithful to make sure I have my daily bread and my thrist is quenched by him. It is also in this time that Satan is stomped out, where I am able to be guided to be the best wife, mommy, friend, sister, daughter. Where my different hats are guided and shown how to do them better.

I am thankful for a God who loves me so much he comes and gets me when I have neglected my relationship with him. Who is faithful to show me my emotions are out of whack because my relationship with him is out of whack. This I ponder, how does one get through earth without Jesus! Life is too painful, too unknown to go through it without Jesus!

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